It's the weekend. I can almost hear the collective sigh of half the city who work a nine to five job. I'm lucky- I have a part time job, Monday through Thursday. This means I have three day weekends, every weekend. I have friends and family that love me, and a husband and puppy who adore me. I have "the good life," right?
However, I can barely get through those four consecutive work days without a tears-and-snot fest. I find it difficult to NOT feel as though I am a bottom-feeder, outsider, the scum of the earth, and not worth the respect of my co-workers. It's not really anyone's fault, but simply my own insecurities.
I find myself revisiting the question that's relentlessly haunted me all of my life: What's wrong with me?
I'm aware I'm unconventional in my thinking. Whenever I voice the thoughts in my head, I'm given an incredulous look by some and told I'm weird. It only feeds into feelings of being misunderstood, defective, and alienated. In reality, most people I come into contact with are kind. However, those few people are enough to dredge up insecurities I thought I'd overcome, or at least buried in the past with that little girl I hate.
A couple years ago in therapy, I was asked to talk to me as a little girl. I couldn't even do it. In tears, I told my therapist I hate her and I don't have any kind words for her. In retrospect, this was a turning point for me. Little Danilee embodied everything I hated about myself. She was different. She didn't fit in. Something was WRONG with her. She was slow to understand social cues. I could go on.
Little Danilee internalized that rejection and later manifested itself in anorexia, bulimia, self harm, and depression. My mantra was that I was scum, worthless, and don't deserve to live.
Because I'm physically recovered from my eating disorder, I thought those insecurities were behind me and I was at peace with little Danilee. I was wrong. I hate myself more than ever and don't know how to stop these feelings from invading my being. I try reminding myself of how many people love me and find me worth something. Ryan daily affirms me,"You're beautiful. You're loved. You don't need to lose weight. Nothing is wrong with you. You are WORTH something." It helps, but doesn't rid me of this deep-rooted self hatred.
I just don't want to feel this way anymore.
