I don't remember the last time I blogged…it's been awhile. Honestly, I haven't felt like I needed it, or my YouTube channel. However, I need it now so here I am.
I've been close to tears all week, waves of emotions crashing and breaking against the calm facade I've tried to maintain. It's only a matter of time before everyone knows I am barely handling school after just nearly four weeks of fall quarter.
I don't have faith in myself to do my classes well. I'm overwhelmed by what's being asked of me, things I have done in years, like writing a paper. Can I keep going? Am I going to fail?
Feeling like this is probably my fault, considering I haven't really been taking my depression meds the last couple of weeks. Ryan doesn't understand why I don't take my meds sometimes. I don't even know why, to be honest. Sometimes it's because I resent them, not wanting to rely on medication to make me feel okay. Other times, it's because I simply forget to take them. I put it off, saying I'll take all my meds with the next meal but never actually do it.
In my counseling theories class, we are studying the existential theory. This theory says we are not victims of our situation. We choose who we want to be and how we react to life events. Despite who we have been, we are always recreating ourselves and can choose a different path than the one we've been trekking. As much as I like the idea of this kind of freedom, it's sometimes easier to believe I am a victim and I cannot help my situation. It's much more difficult to choose freedom and accept the responsibility that comes with it. It's so easy to let anxiety take control and allow it to drown me.
No matter how many excuses I make, I can't ignore my reality. I keep telling myself to "buck up" and just "do." I guess this little blog is just me venting. I'll keep trying, I'll stop self-sabotaging myself…I just need to complain for a second. I need to know it's okay to feel like this. It's temporary. It will change.
I have to believe in myself. I can do it. I can keep walking forward.
