Turning Things Around

I keep saying I'm going to blog, and never do. I hope you will allow me to write my thoughts freely and as they come to me. It's what I need right now.

The days are passing, and my thoughts have turned dark. I've let the darkness thicken and grow inside of me until it's permeating from my being. It doesn't help I was unable, due to insurance mix ups, to take my medications. 

I'll be honest, I'm extremely unhappy with my body. I'm at the highest weight I've ever been and it's terrifying. My thoughts are always consumed with how to eat less and move more. Not an hour goes by without berating myself for this disgusting body I've allowed to flourish.

However, the problem with all these plans is the execution. Say I go to work and someone brought cookies, or doughnuts, or bought everyone lunch...I can't allow myself to keep food I didn't plan. I end up purging a few times every week. My body isn't handling it well. I often wonder how in the world my body ever handled such abuse. My heart is acting up with terrible PVCs and they're becoming increasingly difficult to manage. When I'm feeling weak and am having symptoms, I begin to contemplate my mortality. What am I doing to myself??

I can't get help for the purging either. Technically, I suppose I can reach out for support. However, I am at such a high weight for my body, I feel ashamed just thinking about it. I don't deserve help. Maybe if things get bad enough, I can reach out, but at this weight there's no way I'm attending group therapy or going to the outpatient ED clinic where my team now works. 

I can't restrict. I can't go on living in this body. I can't keep purging. What do I do? 

While laying down after dinner because of stupid PVCs racking my body, I came to a conclusion. I need to quit trying to lose weight through restriction. It inevitably leads to purging and then PVCs, and most likely other problems I don't want to deal with again. My goal is this: Aim for 1600 calories of healthy, well-rounded meals during the week. On the weekends, allow myself a couple of "cheat" meals. Another sizable goal is to exercise, or at least purposefully MOVE 20 minutes every day. 

My hope is that this will make me feel better about my body, balance my eating habits, and hopefully I will get back on track in my recovery.

For those of you I've asked to specifically read this blog, will you support me and keep me accountable? Text or call me every now and then to see how I'm doing??  

Looking Back and Going Forward

I've been reflective lately, more so than usual. I've been thinking of different times in my life and their corresponding "flavors." I don't know how else to describe it...there's certain feelings, smells, songs, thoughts, and events that are ingredients creating this "flavor" of a time long past. My adult life is made up of three or four "flavors" I'd like to contemplate.

The first flavor was the year following high school graduation. I got my first job at Starbucks and struggled learning that work life didn't come naturally to me like the education world once did. In fact, I really sucked at learning to work. My mind had to be present and focused. I learned how to be practical, professional, and deal with catty coworkers who I could never seem to please. Even though learning to work was difficult for me, there were many happy memories in this time period. Austyn moved in with my family. We became incredibly close, shared a bedroom even though I had my own, and became sisters. This time period is characterized by how happy, carefree, and delighted with life we were...and maybe a bit ignorant of the troubled times that were to come.

Songs: Black Cat by Mayday Parade

            Savior by Lights

Misc: Ben and Jerry's Half Baked Ice Cream, hikes in summer, late night talks with Austyn until we fell asleep

The second flavor was the year I spent going to school in England. It was magical living in a castle amidst the green rolling hills of the english countryside. I was still carefree and young, doing ridiculous things with my friends like running around the castle dressed as ninjas, or sneaking out after lock up to build a bonfire by the pond and read poetry with some guys friends in our own Dead Poet's Society. I learned, the hard way of course, that I would lead guys on only to ignore them once I had they're attention. I partly did this to boost my practically non-existent self-esteem, but also because I hated men for what they symbolized to me- sex-crazed, abusive, shallow creatures. I harbored this hatred towards men for years but didn't realize how cruel I was being to them until I was confronted by several guy friends in England. However, most my time in England was light hearted. I always look back with fondness at the simplicity of my life then, maybe with a bit of regret too.

Songs: The Sharpest Lives by My Chemical Romance

            Poker Face by Lady Gaga

            Le Disko by Shiny Toy Guns

Misc: Curry noodles at midnight, nutella, ginger cookies around a bonfire, potatoes- lots of potatoes. Watching Alias with my girls. Long walks by moonlight with Daniel, clubbing in Barcelona, rain.

The third flavor is quite a dark time in my life, possibly the darkest. Memories of watching my then 17 year old brother die and the deep depression that followed, are almost too painful for me to remember. I used to love to read fantasy and science fiction books until this time period. I could no longer believe in these pretend worlds. Reality clung to me too tightly and there was no escaping it's touch. To this day, I cannot eat a black bean veggie burger without re-living those empty days spend lying in bed with the weight of the world crushing me into the sheets. I would have flashbacks of Tyler gasping for air that wasn't there after we took him off of life support. It would come at the most inconvenient times and leave me shattered, at work or church or wherever it hit me. I finally snapped out of my zombie-like existence and took some classes at the community college. I got into goju ryu karate and japanese, and excelled at it.

Songs: Utopia by Within Temptation

            Satellite Heart by Anya Marina

            Rosie Thomas

Misc: Anime, candles, darkness, summer nights on the porch swing.

The fourth flavor follows closely behind the third. It was a year after Tyler died. I became increasingly obsessed with calories and exercise. I began running miles on end, though I had never been much of a runner. I began throwing up my food again, anything deemed unworthy of being digested which ended up being most everything. I sunk deeper and deeper into my eating disorder. I tried to stop throwing up and tried to stop the weight loss, but I was stuck. My hair fell out, I passed out, threw up blood, and overall felt like crap 110% of the time. I tried to recover, but it seemed hopeless. I'd wake up in the morning, thinking about all the obligations I had to get through before I could go to sleep again. My body finally couldn't take it anymore. It was either the hospital or inpatient treatment in Arizona, so I chose the latter. I spent May through August in treatment, gaining weight back through tube feedings and ensure plus (gross). I started to feel again and at first, it was too overwhelming. I couldn't use my eating disorder to numb myself in treatment though, so I was forced to face things I had locked away. However, treatment felt safe. I was able to rest and breathe. To this day, sometimes I am nostalgic and wish I could go back there, just for awhile, so I can breathe. 

Artists: Anya Marina, Sara Jaffe, Sia, Adele, The Civil Wars, Mumford and Sons

Misc: Treadmills, toilets, 00 size jeans, coldness, Arizona sunsets, Ambien hallucinations, the feeling of a tube down my throat, not getting to flush my own toilet or even pee alone. 

The fifth, and final flavor was the time period after treatment. I came home and soon relapsed. Six months after coming home I was nearly in the same horrible place I had been in previous to treatment. Strangely enough though, it was good for me. I chose recovery all on my own, without feeling pressured to recover because family were paying ridiculous amounts of money for me to be in treatment. I began using those skills I had learned in Arizona and CHOOSING recovery. I became vegan, which somehow really helped me be okay with food. I healed on so many levels. I met Ryan. I began to LIVE life, not merely exist in it. I struggled, I loved, I lost, I cried, I laughed- I became who I am today, perfectly imperfect. 

Looking back, I'm proud of where I am today. Now, I'm looking towards the future. I know I'll have hard times again, but I'll also laugh and love. My story isn't finished yet, and neither is yours. 

Let's appreciate the past, live fully in the moment, and look forward to the future. Every day could be our last. I will no longer take it for granted.