I keep saying I'm going to blog, and never do. I hope you will allow me to write my thoughts freely and as they come to me. It's what I need right now.
The days are passing, and my thoughts have turned dark. I've let the darkness thicken and grow inside of me until it's permeating from my being. It doesn't help I was unable, due to insurance mix ups, to take my medications.
I'll be honest, I'm extremely unhappy with my body. I'm at the highest weight I've ever been and it's terrifying. My thoughts are always consumed with how to eat less and move more. Not an hour goes by without berating myself for this disgusting body I've allowed to flourish.
However, the problem with all these plans is the execution. Say I go to work and someone brought cookies, or doughnuts, or bought everyone lunch...I can't allow myself to keep food I didn't plan. I end up purging a few times every week. My body isn't handling it well. I often wonder how in the world my body ever handled such abuse. My heart is acting up with terrible PVCs and they're becoming increasingly difficult to manage. When I'm feeling weak and am having symptoms, I begin to contemplate my mortality. What am I doing to myself??
I can't get help for the purging either. Technically, I suppose I can reach out for support. However, I am at such a high weight for my body, I feel ashamed just thinking about it. I don't deserve help. Maybe if things get bad enough, I can reach out, but at this weight there's no way I'm attending group therapy or going to the outpatient ED clinic where my team now works.
I can't restrict. I can't go on living in this body. I can't keep purging. What do I do?
While laying down after dinner because of stupid PVCs racking my body, I came to a conclusion. I need to quit trying to lose weight through restriction. It inevitably leads to purging and then PVCs, and most likely other problems I don't want to deal with again. My goal is this: Aim for 1600 calories of healthy, well-rounded meals during the week. On the weekends, allow myself a couple of "cheat" meals. Another sizable goal is to exercise, or at least purposefully MOVE 20 minutes every day.
My hope is that this will make me feel better about my body, balance my eating habits, and hopefully I will get back on track in my recovery.
For those of you I've asked to specifically read this blog, will you support me and keep me accountable? Text or call me every now and then to see how I'm doing??
So sorry to hear you are struggling so much. Wish I had a quick fix for you. It breaks my heart to think of how hard you've worked at recovery and how challenging things still seem to be. Hang in there. There are great moments even in the hardest times. I hope you can focus on those and lean on your family and friends for support.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I would do when slipping (which may or may not be helpful to you) was to write down a vision for my future. I would imagine a year, five years, ten years in the future and create an ideal fantasy life (anything goes). It would help me see the light at the end of the storm. And if nothing else, it gets your mind of off your current struggles and let's you focus on positive things for a awhile.
There is life beyond the eating disorder. I know you can get there. You're just becoming stronger now as you go through this rough patch.
I know exactly how you feel. I am also at the highest weight I have ever been. I can't sit in a chair without feeling my body curve and move the way it does. I have also taken to abusing diet pills all over again. I don't have heart issues, yet, but know that I believe that you will get back on track and you are such an amazing, beautiful girl. I know ED has a very strong hold right now, but you will break free. :) xxxxx
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to what you're saying. I've been at a low BMI for about ten years and equate my self-esteem with that but in the past year I have been gaining weight. The extra weight feels like a prison around me. I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone because I am so embarrassed by my size. For me it signifies failure, laziness and total lack of control. I feel housebound and too uncomfortable to exercize and have also been drinking too much to ease the pain. Everyday I say this is the last day of indulgence, then I wake up hating myself and body and self-medicate with food and alcohol. I just want my old life back but I know that means returning to bingeing, purging and over exercizing and infertility. Just three months ago I got my period back for the 1st time in over ten years and it was like a miracle. I'm almost 34 and my fiancee wants children desperately and I want them too but I just dunno how to cope with this body. If I was at a healthy weight and slim, not skinny, I'd be happy but now I'm just plain fat and that's not an exaggeration- its the truth. I think I'm gonna have to go to the doctor cause I do feel like I'm depressed and maybe medication will help. Anyway sorry I have gone on so much. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling this way. Well done in resisting the urge to restrict cause I know how hard that is. I'll keep on your blog and wish you only good health and wishes :)
ReplyDeleteNicola
Oh by the way please talk to Ryan. I know when I talk earnestly to my partner it makes us both feel better and he also gains a better understanding of my thoughts, feelings and actions. Also maybe you should have a look at some of your old youtube videos where you were so happy and motivated and it'll give you some strength. I always try to remember that old wise saying, "This too shall pass". Nothing lasts forever and that's true of feelings too. Express them and it'll help. God I really should take my own advice!
ReplyDeleteI know it's gonna be hard to swallow, but I think your diet/exercise plan is the first step in the wrong direction! I advise you not to restrict yourself even with 'acceptable' amounts of food. Eat when you are hungry, for that is when your body needs it! It knows better than a number like "1600 calories". As for exercise, I think all humans should try to stretch, walk, or meditate often during the week. But try not to set goals like "20 minutes a day". You've spoken before about how you are a bit obsessive with numbers. So you know, deep down at least, that this is a BAD sign! The moment you have to miss a day because you're busy, you're going to feel like you don't deserve to eat.
ReplyDeleteInstead, focus on being happy. If you're gonna exercise, start really slow like stretching 3 times a week. If you end up doing more, great. If not, equally amazing. When you feel hunger, eat until you're not hungry. It doesn't matter if you've eaten X amount of calories that day; as long as you're hungry, you need to eat more. I'm sure you're not as big as you see yourself.
I'm not an expert, but I am a recovered anorexic. After recovery, I am actually considered overweight by a couple of pounds but no one--including me--thinks I'm even chubby. In fact, I eat really healthy food and stretch/meditate a bunch. But my body is what it is and I'm not ever going to naturally look the way I did when I was anorexic. Why should I? Why should I--or you--feel disgusted by our bodies? You're very clever and pretty, and there's nothing more wonderful than a happy person. Losing weight will not bring you down the right path.
Dear Danilee,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to leave a note here to say that I sent you a message via YouTube. Its messaging interface is not intuitive so you may not have seen. If you did, please disregard this message, and certainly don't feel pressured to reply.
Take care.
(Did I really just use message(ing) 3 times? Blergh)
ReplyDeleteYou may have faced a lot of struggles in your life, but you still stand up and never gave up. In my opinion, that’s the quality that we all should have. Because problems are like challenges -- the more we fight it the stronger we become. And that’s who you are now, a strong woman who defeated all her problems. You’re truly an inspiration!
ReplyDeleteNatalia Campos @ Primary Care Associates
1600 kcals are way too little for the day of a grown woman!
ReplyDeletePlease take care xx