Change Is In The Air

Is it really almost October? How did time pass so swiftly? Much has changed since I last wrote at the beginning of summer. I am now working full-time as a counselor at a drug residential treatment house for women who are pregnant or with small children. I was only intending to apply for my practicum and work 20 hours per week. However, I interviewed and they offered me a full-time job, paid and with benefits. Furthermore, this treatment facility was my number one choice and I love working there!

However, I am also a full-time student. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be THAT person who was able to work full-time and be a full-time student. I didn't think I could handle the stress and I'm still not sure I can manage. Classes began last week and I'm hoping I can withstand the stress and pressure.

I did crack a bit last week on the first day of school. I had a four-hour detox clinic shift to finish up my practicum, four hours at my job, and a four hour long class. I haven't purged in a couple months but I ended up purging lunch in between the detox shift and work. I regretted it instantly and knew it was how I chose to cope with stress.

I've also had thoughts of restricting...however, I have to eat a lot of gluten for my upcoming endoscopy and colonoscopy that is scheduled in two weeks. Carbs are a trigger for me so having to eat a lot of wheat has been difficult. I find myself looking forward to the three day prep where I am instructed to stick to a liquid diet. My eating disorder is happy to have the excuse.

Another big change possibly coming our way is a new job for Ryan. He has already had an interview and now the company is flying him down to Portland for a panel interview this Friday. If he gets this job, he will be getting out of the field. Instead of a foreman/assistant superintendent he will be more like a project manager for a bank. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but it would great if he got this job. He would be working IN TOWN, better pay, better benefits, and did I mention he would get to come home every night?

So there's a boring update on my life. Nothing too interesting. I will update more when I can though. I miss writing.

Finally A Break

After my finishing my last final yesterday, I woke up this morning fully intending to soak up every minute of unscheduled time for the next week and half before summer quarter begins. After enjoying a lazy morning/afternoon, I realized how much I missed writing and connecting with others. So here's some ramblings and an update.

So far in 2015, my family and myself have been bombarded with health problems. Several family members ended up in the hospital and having to do surgery. I was diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, Celiacs Disease, Hypothydroidism, and SI joint problems that have been quite debilitating. I guess when I was a little girl and wondered what my life would be like in my mid-twenties, I didn't imagine what has now become my reality.

The main thing I've been internally struggling with is coming to terms with the imperfect body I've been given. It's easy to feel down and resent the pills I have to take everyday simply to function. I often find myself angry and choosing to skip my medication, inevitably paying the consequences for the next week. The biggest conflicts in my marriage has centered around this resentment and rebellion. It's difficult to remember I'm not the only one who pays when I skip my meds.

I'm learning not to compare myself to others my age. I am me. I have to believe God will take what is broken and make it something beautiful. Faith isn't easy. I'm not that good at it. But I have to believe and I have trust. Otherwise, I will drown in my despair and that's no way to live.