I don't remember the last time I blogged…it's been awhile. Honestly, I haven't felt like I needed it, or my YouTube channel. However, I need it now so here I am.
I've been close to tears all week, waves of emotions crashing and breaking against the calm facade I've tried to maintain. It's only a matter of time before everyone knows I am barely handling school after just nearly four weeks of fall quarter.
I don't have faith in myself to do my classes well. I'm overwhelmed by what's being asked of me, things I have done in years, like writing a paper. Can I keep going? Am I going to fail?
Feeling like this is probably my fault, considering I haven't really been taking my depression meds the last couple of weeks. Ryan doesn't understand why I don't take my meds sometimes. I don't even know why, to be honest. Sometimes it's because I resent them, not wanting to rely on medication to make me feel okay. Other times, it's because I simply forget to take them. I put it off, saying I'll take all my meds with the next meal but never actually do it.
In my counseling theories class, we are studying the existential theory. This theory says we are not victims of our situation. We choose who we want to be and how we react to life events. Despite who we have been, we are always recreating ourselves and can choose a different path than the one we've been trekking. As much as I like the idea of this kind of freedom, it's sometimes easier to believe I am a victim and I cannot help my situation. It's much more difficult to choose freedom and accept the responsibility that comes with it. It's so easy to let anxiety take control and allow it to drown me.
No matter how many excuses I make, I can't ignore my reality. I keep telling myself to "buck up" and just "do." I guess this little blog is just me venting. I'll keep trying, I'll stop self-sabotaging myself…I just need to complain for a second. I need to know it's okay to feel like this. It's temporary. It will change.
I have to believe in myself. I can do it. I can keep walking forward.
I struggle with taking my meds a lot too. I'm not really sure why either. I'm always told I should set a reminder on my phone, but it's not that I forget, I just don't always take them.
ReplyDeleteI think, to some extent at least, we are victims of our situations. Some of it is choosing how to react, sure, but when we're talking about deep-down issues and mental health, I think it's a different story.
Keep hanging in there. Your blog (and I) are always here if you need to vent <3
xx
It is important to take your medications. It is daunting to manage any chronic illness, whether diabetes or depression. But you have to keep on managing and treating the illness.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things one of my therapists had me do when dealing with my anxiety is to follow the anxiety. So what happens if you fail a paper or a test? What happens if you fail a class? Nothing, really. You just take that class over and try again. It really isn't a big deal. This happens to people all the time for all kinds of reasons.
You can do this. You're going to be ok. You just need to keep trying.....