I Would Rather Be Gray Than Black Or White

Thanks to Labor Day, it's been a wonderful three-day weekend. It was refreshing to hang out with friends, get a bunch of errands crossed off my (never-ending) list, and relax with my little family. However, this weekend really revolved around exercise and eating right. Maybe a little too much.

A week ago, a friend and I were both lamenting about our struggles with depression, anxiety, and body woes. We both had been thinking about getting Fitbits to help us jumpstart our new resolve to move more and eat better. A few days later, thanks to Amazon Prime, my new and shiny Fitbit Blaze arrived in the mail and as a result, I've spent the last week tracking my steps, floors climbed, heart rate, miles walked, weight, water intake, sleep quality, calories eaten and calories burned. 

My obsessiveness squealed with glee.

The fact you can challenge others to for most steps in daily, weekly, or weekend challenges only fans the flames of my competitive nature. I am learning that I might step away from challenging friends because it might result in me pacing for two and half hours during a movie instead of cuddling with my husband and puppy in order to get more steps in. 

Balance is key, and I don't have any idea how to do that. I tend to be an all or nothing person. I either do something and go the extra (sometimes literal) mile(s) or I don't do anything at all. I'm going to attempt to find balance in my exercise and eating regime but I feel like I'm fighting against a mindset that has been engrained for years in the form of my eating disorder and overall, simply addictive personality. Five years ago, I would run twelve miles a day and eat barely enough calories to keep a goldfish alive. If I was only able to get in six miles for whatever reason, I felt like shit and had to punish myself. "You are worthless" was my mantra. It's taken years to heal from the effects of torturing my own mind into submission. 

So I will be careful and tread the fine line between all or nothing with delicacy. 

Powerlessness But Not Helplessness

Who I am today is not the person I was a year ago when I last posted on this blog. It's funny how time changes you. I spent the last year consumed by full-time classes and full-time work as a counselor in my chosen profession. I never stopped to take a breath, to see a friend for coffee, or to read a book for fun. Summer came and I graduated with my BA in Addiction Studies Summa Cum Laude, which means with highest honors. Just a few posts back I was writing about my anxiety and fear of failure just four weeks into my return to college. Why was I so worried? 

I gained confidence in one area and completely lost it in another. I weigh the most I've ever weighed and it's terrifying. I see myself in pictures and don't even recognize myself in this body. It's not just a former eating disordered girl's distorted view of her own body- I'm legit overweight by 15 pounds. An overwhelming feeling of hopelessness constantly consumes me. I try to eat healthy and workout but the number doesn't change. I make myself purge or restrict and it doesn't change. I am trapped in a body I once demonstrated my control over so perfectly. However, when I really think about it, I never stuck to my healthy diet and exercise long enough to see change. I'm used to immediate results and when I don't get those, I give up.

Furthermore, my anxiety has been debilitating. I rely on Xanax more than ever before and when I forget to bring it with me on trips, I end up having panic attacks that result in passing out and heart rates up to 200 bpm. Some days, it feels like I'm barely holding it together. 

On top of all these feelings and thoughts running in and out of my head and heart on a daily basis, we recently stopped birth control. We aren't intentionally trying to get pregnant, but as Ryan puts it, "The goalie has been removed." My impatience has yet again resulted in my mind racing to the worse case scenario- Am I infertile? Is Ryan infertile? Will my body be able to handle a pregnancy? 

Fear and Hopelessness are my closest companions these days. But I'm tired. Tired of them consuming my thoughts and holding me back from fully enjoying the moment. We've had the opportunity to do many things this summer- Hawaii with friends, Portland, Seattle, and Montana. I wasn't able to fully enjoy these moments with Ryan, family and friends because of fearing the worst and feeling unable to change what I had accepted as "my fate" to be fat, anxious and infertile for the rest of my life.

I am powerless against many things in this life, but I am not helpless. I will change and this starts today.  I will feed my body with nutritious food and feed my soul with Scripture and meditation. I want to change so I'm not so miserable on the inside. I can do this, right?