Monday, September 5, 2016

I Would Rather Be Gray Than Black Or White

Thanks to Labor Day, it's been a wonderful three-day weekend. It was refreshing to hang out with friends, get a bunch of errands crossed off my (never-ending) list, and relax with my little family. However, this weekend really revolved around exercise and eating right. Maybe a little too much.

A week ago, a friend and I were both lamenting about our struggles with depression, anxiety, and body woes. We both had been thinking about getting Fitbits to help us jumpstart our new resolve to move more and eat better. A few days later, thanks to Amazon Prime, my new and shiny Fitbit Blaze arrived in the mail and as a result, I've spent the last week tracking my steps, floors climbed, heart rate, miles walked, weight, water intake, sleep quality, calories eaten and calories burned. 

My obsessiveness squealed with glee.

The fact you can challenge others to for most steps in daily, weekly, or weekend challenges only fans the flames of my competitive nature. I am learning that I might step away from challenging friends because it might result in me pacing for two and half hours during a movie instead of cuddling with my husband and puppy in order to get more steps in. 

Balance is key, and I don't have any idea how to do that. I tend to be an all or nothing person. I either do something and go the extra (sometimes literal) mile(s) or I don't do anything at all. I'm going to attempt to find balance in my exercise and eating regime but I feel like I'm fighting against a mindset that has been engrained for years in the form of my eating disorder and overall, simply addictive personality. Five years ago, I would run twelve miles a day and eat barely enough calories to keep a goldfish alive. If I was only able to get in six miles for whatever reason, I felt like shit and had to punish myself. "You are worthless" was my mantra. It's taken years to heal from the effects of torturing my own mind into submission. 

So I will be careful and tread the fine line between all or nothing with delicacy. 

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