I'm newly married to a truly GOOD man. I never imagined I would actually be one of the masses who fell in love and matrimony. My dream was to work with women and children caught up in sex-trafficking in Asia. As a teenager, I figured I'd adopt eight asian kids and my best guy friend would be their father figure.
Ryan changed everything. I'm grateful for that.
The first year of marriage is notoriously difficult. You're both learning how to live with each other's little quirks, how to communicate affectively, and what real love is all about. It's not always exciting or fun, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.
On one lazy Sunday afternoon, Ryan and I talked about what we individually found difficult in marriage. I wasn't surprised when he said my depression was challenging for him. I can't help but feeling guilty about it. I wish I could hide it from him, but I've never been good at masking feelings. I feel as though my demons are his, now we are metaphorically "one." I know it's a two way road, but my demons are...overbearingly in your face. It's a burden I don't want to share, but know it's impossible to spare him without simultaneously hurting him as well.
Explaining depression and it's companion, self hatred, is challenging. Sometimes it hits me for no reason, while other times, a situation or thought triggers it's appearance. I feel as though I'm at the bottom of the ocean. The pressure is so overwhelmingly intense to the point I wish I'd just end it all. Last week while feeling miserable at work, I found myself picturing how I'd end it. Not until later that evening did I even realize there's something morbidly wrong I was actually contemplating how I would end my life.
I feel guilty for struggling with depression and self hatred. I don't want to bring anyone else down with me. I feel I deserve it, but not the ones who love me.
However, Ryan is one of the few people who can bring me out of it's darkness. I love him for it. He looks me in the eyes and tells me I am loved. I am beautiful. I am not fat. I am WORTH something. That last one is always the kicker. I can't help but cry when he says it because it's something I so desperately want to believe.
As I am struggling with depression today, contemplating on a body I hate and a job I find painfully boring, I try to remember the clouds will part and I will feel happiness again. I fight it for what I have to live for- a husband, family, friends, my dog, and a future with those very people surrounding me with their love, even when I have nothing to give at the moment.
Sometimes, it's easy for us to get bogged down with our emotions. I too, have struggled with self-hatred etc. and it's hard to find happiness when everything just feels like crap. It's really good that you have your husband. I also knows what it feels like to be told I'm beautiful, but can't believe them. Happiness starts within you. It's about perspective. You have to learn to love and accept yourself the way you are. flaws and all. it's okay if you're not perfect. you were made the way you were for a reason. Although, some things may not be as exciting in life, learn to love the little things. You should take walks and just observe the nature around. There is more to your life than what you are experiencing and you will get through it. No matter how tough it is, you were equipped to fight those demons and you will overcome. You are a princess and a child of God, and no matter what those demons tell you, you have to learn to fight them back and look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful. that you are AMAZING just how you are. I will be praying for you and your progression. Never give up hope. Happiness and joy will be yours. (:
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind words! I'll try to remember them as I go through my day :)
Deleteanytime!!
DeleteI just found your blog, I know you posted this awhile ago. I thought I was interesting that your husband mentioned that you are worth something. My wife and I had a marriage counseling session this morning and the therapist mentioned the same thing. It struck me hard, I am a confident man, never thought my wife would think she was worth less. My wife and I have had a tough year, she is treatment right now for anorexia. Thanks for your words, it is good to see your progress. You should right more..... your good at it. from one blogger to another :)
ReplyDeletehttp://husband2eatingdisorder.blogspot.com/2015/06/my-wife-has-eating-disorder.html
Thanks for you comment! Actually, I directed my husband to your blog because he feels the same way you expressed in your first blog- men who have wives with eating disorders don't blog about it or have any sort of support network. I'm sure he can relate to your feelings and perspective on many levels.
DeleteRegarding your wife- I'm sorry to hear she is struggling with an eating disorder. It's hard to know how to help when "fixing" things isn't really an option. My husband is also shocked when I share my insecurities, self-hatred, and feelings of worthlessness. We need the men in our lives though to remind us of who we really are, not what our eating disorder wants us to believe. Thank you again for your comment!
sorry, write more :)
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